Here we go. If there's an agent with a particular rant about an item, I'm including the name in parenthesis. If there is no name, it's because too many agents have mentioned it to list just one. Raise your hand if you've sent a query that included any of the following:
- A rhetorical question instead of a solid hook (Nathan Bransford)
- A gimmick like a cup, mug, or 12 place settings of Limoges (Janet Reid)
- Forwarded material that includes the rejection letter from another agent (Intern C.A. Marshall)
- A link to a YouTube video plugging your manuscript (Jessica Faust)
- Offers to pay extra commission or pay up front for representation (Jessica Faust)
- Any mention of how much your children, nieces, husband, mother, teacher, or other readers love your book
- Credentials that mention you've been writing since pre-school, kindergarten, elementary, middle, or high school
- Discussions about your dream of writing
- Comparisons between your writing and that of Neil Gaiman, Stephanie Meyer, J. K. Rowling or...(insert name du jour)
- Promises that your book will be an instant best-seller, or that it is better than Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, Twilight, Lord of the Rings...(insert book du jour)
- Any reference to Oprah and her bookclub
- Assertions that readers of all ages (or any age in particular) or all genres will love your book
- A minimum (or any mention) of the advance you would like to receive
- Suggestions for who should star in the film version
- Irrelevant descriptions of your personal life or how you came up with the book idea
- References to your "fiction novel"
- A salutation addressed to "Hey," "Dear Agent," the agent's first name, or any synonym of friend
- A salutation (in a query to an agent) addressed to "Dear Editor" or "Dear Publisher"
- A salutation addressed to the wrong name, "Whoever," "Whom it May Concern", or "Insert Name Here"
- Carbon copies to other agents (especially dead ones) (Laura Bradford)
- Assurances (aka threats) that you will call, email, write or visit the agent to follow-up (ever)
- A request for representation of work in a genre the agent doesn't represent
- A spoiler for the ending of your novel
- Any attachment (in an email query) unless the agent specifically requested one from you
- Anything that deviates from the agent's submission guidelines
- Anything written in less than a professional tone
- Anything that deviates from What Agents Want
To complicate things, not every agent has the same preferences in how they like to have a query letter written. Some, like Jessica Regel, prefer "one paragraph about the book and one paragraph about you." Others, like Janet Reid, prefer you to send her "two paragraphs showing me what the book is about and enticing me to read more." Others want the query letter to be a mini-synopsis. In a nutshell, this means you need more than a query letter; you need a hook, a short pitch, a pitchy synopsis, and a longer synopsis to include for those agents who like to see that along with sample pages. Many agents include samples of their preferences or even how-to's on their websites or blogs.
I've decided to think of the process of getting a manuscript published as if it were a work of fiction. I, of course, am the intrepid protagonist and that mythical creature, the agent, is the second gatekeeper. (The first gatekeeper involved the more enjoyable process of actually writing drafts one through eight of the novel.) From this perspective, I can allow myself to make mistakes and fail spectacularly. After all, a journey without nail-biting suspense wouldn't be worth making.
What do you think? Have you come across any query letter don'ts? What mistakes have you made?
P.S. - Like this? The list of THOU-MUSTs for query letters is listed here.